Application For Permission To Date My Daughter

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, school history, job history, ancestral lineage, DMV printout, and a current medical report from your doctor.

NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH______________
HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #___________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________________________________
HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP____________

Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? ______________

If NO, please explain _________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ________________________________

If less than your age, explain ________________________________________

Do you own a van? _____________ A truck with oversized tires?___________ A waterbed?

_____________ A pickup with a mattress in the back?__________ Do you have an earring,

nose ring, or a belly button ring?______________ A tattoo?_____________

(IF YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)

In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?

________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?

________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

________________________________________________

Church you attend ___________________________________
How often you attend _________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your: father? _____________

pastor_______________

mother? _____________ parole officer? _______

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

__________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

__________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:______________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

_________________________________________________

What do you want to do IF you grow up?

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________


I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

___________________________________________ Signature
(that means sign your name, moron)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman
wearing black shirts and white ties carrying violin cases (you might want to watch your back).

Have a nice day.

Butt Prints In The Sand

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared...
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?
Those prints are large and round and neat,
But Lord, they are too big for feet."

"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."

"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith you would not know...
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."

"Because in life there comes a time
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."

- Author Unknown

Can You Answer This??

Eighty percent of Kindergartners solved this riddle,

but only 5% of Stanford graduates figured it out!

1. The word has seven letters...
2. Preceded God...
3. Greater than God...
4. More Evil than the devil...
5. All poor people have it...
6. Wealthy people need it...
7. If you eat it, - you will die!


Did you figure it out?

Try hard before looking at the answers
Did you get it yet??

Give up?

The Answer is:

NOTHING!

NOTHING has 7 letters
NOTHING preceded God
NOTHING is greater than God
NOTHING is more Evil than the devil
All poor people have NOTHING
Wealthy people need NOTHING
If you eat NOTHING, you will die

Marine's Priorities

#1 Keep your priorities in order; and

#2 Know when to act without hesitation.

A U. S. Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an a vowed atheist and a member of the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU).

One day he shocked the class when he came in, looked to the ceiling, and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the MARINE got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The MARINE went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the MARINE and asked, "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The MARINE calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid crap and act like an butthole.

So He sent me! "

A Prayer

I asked God to take away my pain.
God said, No. It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No. Her spirit was whole, her body was only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No. Patience is a by-product of tribulations; it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No. I give you blessings. Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No. Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No. You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No. I will give you life so that you may enjoy all things.

I ask God to help me LOVE others, as much as he loves me.
God said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

The World Through the Eyes of A Child

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "what if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "then you ask him."

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "they will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to the others on her brunette head. The little girl looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or be unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'there's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'that's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "and there's the teacher, she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "cause your feet aren't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "take all you want. God is watching the apples."

A List To Live By

1. The most useless thing to do.... ....... Worry
2. The greatest Joy............... ... Giving
3. The greatest loss...... Loss of self-respect
4. The most satisf! ying work... ...... Helping others
5. The ugliest personality trait...... Selfishness
6. The most endangered species......... Dedicated leaders
7. The greatest "shot in the arm".......... Encouragement
8. The greatest problem to overcome.............. Fear
9. Most effective sleeping pill.......... Peace of mind
10. The most crippling failure disease.......... Excuses
11. The most powerful force in life........... Love
12. The most dangerous pariah.................. A gossiper
13. The world's most incredible computer........ The brain !
14. The worst thing to be without.................. Hope
15. The deadliest weapon.... The tongue
16. The two most power-filled words........."I Can"
17. The greatest asset......... Faith
18. The most worthless emotion........ Self-pity
19. The most prized possession................ Integrity
20. The most beautiful attire...... A SMILE!
21. The most powerful channel of communication........ Prayer
22. The most contagious spirit.... ..... Enthusiasm
23. The most important thing in life................ GOD

A Carrot, An Egg, or a Coffee Bean

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?" "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft.

She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked. "What does it mean, mother?" Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity-boiling water-but each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean? "

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?

Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level? How do you handle adversity?

Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?

A Whisper or a Brick

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and spun the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown.

He jumped out of the car, grabbed some kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing?" Building up a head of steam he went on. That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?"

"Please mister, please I'm sorry, I didn't know what else to do," pleaded the youngster. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop..."

Tears were dripping down the boy's chin as he pointed around the parked car. "It's my brother," he said. "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."

Sobbing, the boy asked the executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He lifted the young man back into the wheelchair and took out his handkerchief and wiped the scrapes and cuts, checking to see that everything was going to be okay.

"Thank you and May God bless you," the grateful child said to him. The man then watched the little boy push his brother down the sidewalk toward their home.

It was a long walk back to his Jaguar... a long slow walk. He never did repair the side door. He kept the dent to remind him not to go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention.

God whispers in our souls and speaks to your hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice:

Listen to the whisper - or wait for the brick!